When You Learned to Stay Small

Sometimes staying small starts as a way of keeping the peace.

Maybe you learned not to speak up too much. Not to argue. Not to push back. Not to make things harder for other people. Maybe being respectful also meant being quiet, agreeable or easy.

Over time, that can become a habit.

You might hold back what you really think. Apologize quickly without thinking. Say yes when you want to say no. Worry that being direct will make you seem difficult, selfish or ungrateful.

For some people, especially those from Asian or immigrant families where keeping the peace and not drawing too much attention to yourself were strongly valued, “don’t rock the boat” can become an unspoken rule.

So you learn to adapt.

You constantly read the room. You avoid conflict. You try not to take up too much space.

And sometimes that works, until it starts costing you something.

You may notice that you don’t always know what you want because you’re so used to thinking about what everyone else needs first. Or that speaking up feels much bigger than it should.

A small place to start might be noticing the moments when you automatically make yourself smaller.

You might ask yourself:

What am I afraid will happen if I say what I really think?

What am I giving up in order to keep the peace?

What would it look like to take up just a little more space here?

This isn’t about changing who you are or becoming more confrontational, but simply mean allowing your needs, opinions, and feelings to matter too.